Friday, August 31, 2007

Math

my head thuds awake on the cardboard on the inside (left) of an auto. it's around two in the night. i am home. i clamber up the stairs, clanging and thumping to my two room set on the first floor. i flounder for the lights (i'm night blind). finding them, i strip and discover that i have again grown fat (mysteriously and magically, i do this every night). soon my jaipur pink (formerly saffron) towel is around me and i'm headed (drowsily) for my daily pre-snore shower (the rooms are warm and i have no air conditioning). the lights flicker on lazily to reveal a sudden energy in the hamam. two bumble bees (lets call them franny and zooey)are buzzing angrily about the tubelight. i discern a gecko (say, sylvester) behind the bathroom door. astounded by this abundance of zoology, i leap out.

Meanwhile, inside the bathroom;

Zooey: hey franny, i don't like the looks of this, let's get the fuck out of here

Franny: relax, love, there's one of him and two of us

Zooey: and look at that gecko, i don't like the look of him either

Franny: relax love, i've done this before

this had happened before. now i don't like killing insects. i really don't. but in lajpat, where i stay, you really can't help it. the place is infested with ants. swarming with them, literally. you go to the loo in the morning to find them all over the commode, swimming in the buckets and walking all over the walls. it's like a mini ant metropolis in there. but more of this later. it's the bees i hate. they're frightening, malevolent creatures. when they're in the loo, they act like they own the damned place. they come at you baring their little sting tails, ready to fuck you over for messing about in what's suddenly their territory. i switch off the lights in the loo (the switchboard is on the outside) and try sleeping.

i wake up in a sweat. my ancestors have come to me in my sleep and have told me i can't accept defeat to the bees. that, and it's too hot to sleep without a shower. i sit up and reason things out. i mean, there's a reason for things, right. we're in charge. and not the tigers or the fishes or the bees. and that's because we fought them and beat them fair and square (now and then, at least). we won the race for civilization. which explains why i'm living in a rented two room flat in lajpat nagar and not freeloading in some bee bathroom in a giant beehive. i decide i'm not taking this lying down (or sitting up for that matter). i do the math, they've got those stingtails, they're winged and small (giving them a guerrila sort of dexterity) and they've got speed. i've got my mind and an aresenal of books, newspapers, advanced and ineffective household appliances, footwear and cooking utensils. i reach out for the common human consciousness that knows no barriers of time and space and conference with adam, tutankhamen, genghis khan, winston churchill and mahatma gandhi. the mahatma is summarily explelled from the meeting. i draw out my plans. i wrap the towel around myself. i arm myself with two rubber slippers and head off to the bathroom. i feel the war paint inside my skin. it is to be a long night.

Meanwhile, inside the bathroom;

Franny: hey, lights on, he's a coming

Zooey: let's just leave

Franny: believe in me

Zooey: do we need to stay here

Franny, we do, trust me, i wouldn't put you through this if we didn't.

Zooey: he's coming

Franny: ok, on my lead, as soon as he gets in, we zoom in towards him, doesn't matter if we miss him. it'll frighten him off our tails for the night. and that's all we need.

Zooey: that's him. i love you franny

Franny: i love you too zooey, now on my mark. trust me baby

Zooey: what about the reptile

Franny: focus, love, we can't afford to lose, now

Sound Effects: bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, followed by a human OW and the thump of bathroom slippers on the ground after a jump.

they attacked me, they fucking attacked me. i look inside. they're buzzing about the whole bathroom now. they were behind the damned door so i didn't see them. i look inside througha small crack in the door. the gecko is at a distance, looking at me. it's almost like we're having a conversation. at a distance. in a moment of miraculous clarity i know what to do. i head for the balcony and drop one of the chappals and arm myself with a floor scrubber with a long handle.

Meanwhile, inside the bathroom;

Zooey: i can't believe it, we shooed him off

Franny: done it a million times love

Zooey: you know, i was worried, that gecko over there was giving me bad vibes

Franny: don't worry about them, love, they always maintain a fixed distance.

Zooey: you know, you know a lot for a bumble bee

(a giant slipper appears from behind the door and splatters zooey out onto the back of the door)

Franny: Zooooeeey!!!

one of them falls dead onto the floor. i push it out with the floor scrubber. i push the scrubber's head in, scanning for the other bee. i hear it's agitated buzzing on the back of the door. i understood where the bees were because of the gecko. it always stands far from them and looks in their direction. like a well trained bloodhound. i stand on the outside of the bathroom door, waiting for movement. i look at the gecko again. i knowe exactly where he is. i put my hand with the rubber chappal in and splatter the fuck out of the other bee. i know i got him when the gecko moves closer. just to make sure, i probe with the scrubber. it's a dead silence. i go in to celebrate.

suddenly, a bee zooms in my direction and stings me in the fucking eye. i drop my weapons and get the fuck out. it's all red. it's what pain looks like to a blind guy. it hurts. it really fucking hurts. i feel the towel unravel. but it doesn't matter. the sting is burning my eye and my head from the inside. outside, i trip on the balcony and fall naked to the ground downstairs. i fall headfirst and i hear my neck go snap. i lie there, naked, before my door struggling to breathe. the memory of the buzzing is loud in my head. i die.

actually, i kill the other bee successfully with the last shot. the gecko wouldn't have moved closer otherwise. i sweep the fuckers out and smoke a smoke to their memory. the next day i unleash genocidal hell upon the ants.

15 comments:

deshu said...

AMAZING story dude...d line i liked d best is "i've got my mind and an aresenal of books, newspapers, advanced and ineffective household appliances, footwear and cooking utensils"

Shake the Bottle, Wake the Ira said...

i understood where the bees were because of the gecko. it always stands far from them and looks in their direction. like a well trained bloodhound.

love love love it!!

Perakath said...

hahahahaha Uddu that was damn funny! I can totally imagine you having these inter-species wars... wonder what I was up to that night!

Perakath said...

Oh sorry this blog has expanded and I didn't realise... if Stipe is not Uddu (though it probably is), well written, Stipey!

The Outsider said...

hehehe

Yohan said...

Does this blog involve Udayan?

Whoever wrote this post, it's damn good.

I was always an expert wasp-killer. It requires a Zen state. Hee hee.

Salil said...

Hello, Udayan. It iz ur old frnd wrtng a comm 4 u. Wa yaar, u rite 2 cool.

Sorry. That was tempting. Nice one. The story and the name.

Perakath, REM was probaly the only band he consistently liked.

Rider of Rohan, what news from the North? Will see you sometime. You still haven't lost your style of writing with the back and forths. Damn nice.

cody said...

nice!!! very nice!!!Though I think you dying with gory effects somehow made zooey and franny the heros for the day...You lost the battle of civilization to geckos???

Perakath said...

oof stand up and take a bow already, Michael - stop hiding in the corner!

Stipe said...

but isn't this whole understated silence thing a whole lot cooler

Perakath said...

So you are there! Lurking in the corner like a giant spider.. bat.. or lizard...

Salil said...

Yeah. Really cool understated silence, like frigid cool man. Yeah.

Anonymous said...

very well written

Kanwar said...

It made me laugh! No blog post i've come across has done that... i mean, a chuckle, maybe.. bt an all out laugh, never.. till this one happened. AMAZING! LOVE IT!

Advitiya said...

The switch is very interesting... And funny... Good story